Growing Pains

This weekend that has just come and gone was quite a sad one for little ol' me, not to say that sad things happened, only that I always happened to find myself feeling more down than up on cloud nine, which is quite a change for me. I was fine when I was doing things: when I was around people, but as soon as I was sitting in my beautiful little apartment, I felt a dark cloud over me.

I couldn't put a finger on this feeling. As a very privileged person in this world, I don't feel like I ever have a reason to be sad or more so that there are a million more reasons to be happy, than all the valid reasons there are to be sad, yet here I was, feeling sad for no reason. Having come out of such a mood, I would have to sum up the feeling as a growing pain. I often find that when you are younger and still in school, you have huge dreams for who you want to be one day, and often they are unrealistic - not unobtainable, but you don't yet have a grasp on financials and degrees and the general knowledge that comes with this Big, Bad World in which you have to remain level-headed, streetwise and realistic while still fueling your dreams to be a bigger, better you.

As well as that, you often think, when you are younger, that when you are in University you have suddenly got it all figured out. I remember when I was in grade 8 and I looked at my matrics of that year, I just thought they were so grown up and they knew who they were and what they wanted to do and they had their life-plan sorted. Having now finished matric myself, I have realised that is not the case. The truth does not even come close to that. You don't have your life figured out and you are only in the midst of figuring out who you are. As I mentioned earlier this year, I feel like, having lived on my own now for only 4 months, I have found out more about myself than I ever did in my 18 years of living at home, so I couldn't possibly have had my life figured out in matric.

Yesterday I watched Jenna Marble's video Draw My Life, and even she, at age 26, having already done a lot with her life, does not have it figured out. She is still discovering who she wants to be and what she wants to do with the rest of her life. Another thing she says, which is probably the second strongest message to me in her video, is that if she did have it all figured out, she thinks she would be doing something wrong because you are meant to feel confused about such things in life. I believe that, too.

As people, we need a certain amount of resistance in life. As we have learnt in class this year, the Amoeba cell, which is single-celled-organism, thrives in a dirty environment. If you ever had to take the Amoeba out and put it in a fresh environment with pure air and clean water, it would cease to exist. It is the same with us as humans. We grow through the hardships of life. When times are hard, we live and learn. If we didn't, we would become stagnant and boring. Through our ever-changing, sometimes difficult but beautiful life, we will learn to grow, thrive and excel if we have the right mindset.

I can no longer picture where I will be in 2 years time. I used to be able to picture it, but I can't anymore and I think that's okay. It's never good to live in the future anyway, to a certain degree, because life is right now. For the time being, I plan on doing exactly what I love now, and taking the next few years of my life step-by-step. I cannot make decisions which have not yet arrived in my life for me to make.

There is one thing I do know: I love to inspire people. When someone tells me that something I have done or written or said has inspired them, my heart swells with a feeling that is unlike any other. Even if I don't know anything else right, I know that, and I know this: I want to spend my life inspiring people and making people's lives bigger and better by showing them that they can always be bigger and better individuals. Through that I know I will have created something greater than myself.

Pretty much.

Cape Town-Living and Zimbabwe-holiday-ing

Cape Town-living is beyond perfect.

I have never felt so happy and so free. There is always so much going on in the City of Cape Town. Every night, there are, on average, three different places to go to/ things happening - even on the weekdays. The party never ever stops - and seriously, what is better than a never-ending party when you're 19 and taking the world by a storm?

However, at the moment, I am not in Cape Town. I am in Zimbabwe for the first time in 3 years, and this, too, makes me very, very happy. Because my Academy's vacation-timing is a little off-balance with the rest of South Africa's University vacations, I only had one weekend in Zimbabwe with my friends who live here before they all went back to their respective Universities in South Africa, and because my family and I were spending Easter weekend at Lake Kariba, and because I begged them to leave on Saturday morning instead of Friday afternoon, I actually only had 1 night with them - and, of course, it was a memorable night indeed.

It was memorable because of the fact I was running on a total of 1.5 hours sleep - even 2 hours would be pushing it. The Thursday night before I left for Zim, myself and a few friends had our last night out in Cape Town before returning after Easter. We went out only to have brought more friends back to my apartment. Everyone cleared out by 3h30, I managed to get into bed for a few minutes before it was 4h00 and we had to start getting up, showered and packed for our flight to Johannesburg at 6h00. We (because I flew with a friend) had a 2 hour flight to Joburg, a 5 hour wait in Joburg before our 1 hour and 45 minute flight to Zimbabwe. Upon arriving in Zimbabwe, I had a few minutes to change at home before we were off to a friend's braai and from the braai, we were off clubbing again and by 7h00 I was  back in the car, on the way to Kariba.

I just got back from (I don't fish, you see. I find it boring, sitting and waiting for a bite on the end of your hook which is more than likely not to come at all, and I feel sorry for the fish.)
Kariba, actually. It was such a beautiful weekend. I realised there actually is nothing better than lying at the front of a speedboat, under the hot sun, tanning with a book in your hands.

I've been reading The Innocent Man by John Grisham - an author I absolutely love. Unfortunately, I'm finding this book a little hard to get into and I was scared I wasn't going to finish it by the end of March, and so I would be behind on number 22 of my Life List: read one book a month for a year. However, I found mom's copy of The Fault In Our Stars by John Green on Friday and I managed to finish it on Sunday morning - how is that for good timing? I'm still ploughing through with John Grisham, but TFIOS was a beautiful book that had me in tears at the end. (This is the third book this year that has had me in tears, and each time I have finished each book, I have been with my dad. "You must stop reading this books, Noo Noo!" my dad says. Every. Time.)

Since I'm obsessed with quotes, I wrote down some quotes from TFIOS that swept me off my feet and made my heart swell in the way only beautiful words can. Here are some of them [no spoilers]:

I thought being an adult meant knowing what you believe, but that has not been my experience.

I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. Im in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into a void, and that oblivion in inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labour has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you.

I thought of my dad telling me that the universe wants to be noticed. But what we want is to be noticed by the universe, to have the universe give a shit what happens to us - not the collective idea of sentient life, but each of us, as individuals.

Lovely, no?

Also, have I mentioned that  I'M GOING TO AMSTERDAM AND GERMANY IN JULY? 

If you've got any sort of travel tips, stories, places to go to, places to avoid, activities to do it would be much appreciated if you could send me an email, leave a comment or if you will be in either places at such a time, it would be lovely to meet up.

Above: a picture from our Lion's Head Full Moon Hike last month. Table Mountain stands to the right of this picture, and it had the biggest cloud-blanket I have ever seen over it. It was beautiful. If this doesn't want to make you move to/ visit Cape Town, you should just... I don't know. Get out. Get out right now.

The Highs And The Lows Of Moving Up And On

I don't know what it is about living on your own, but, in my opinion, you certainly learn more about yourself than you ever did before. Seriously. I feel like I have gotten to know myself better in almost 3 weeks than I ever did in the whole 18 years and 11 months before this while I still lived at home.

Maybe it's because you have only yourself to depend on. Maybe it's because, this time, you really do have to pay attention to how the washing machine works because, well, you actually have to do the laundry.

This all sounds very pathetic to someone who has been doing this for a good few years of their life - I understand this. I also know that a few of my friends who are the same age as me have been doing this for a few years back at home. I was (am) fortunate enough to have a mom who has dedicated her entire life to my sister and I. She will never know how grateful I am for the most incredible childhood she has given me. I am also extremely proud of her, and again, extremely grateful, and I strongly admire her strength in bravery, especially yesterday, when she had to leave Cape Town behind, along with my sister in boarding school and me in my apartment (soon to be starting varsity). I can imagine it is never easy to watch your children have to start a whole new life on their own, and it's even harder not being able to help them, as you have done for 18 years. I know I have yet to understand my mom's feelings even better when I have kids of my own someday. (Someday being the operative word here - like, waaaay in the future).

I felt a bit low yesterday when my parents left. I vegetated on the couch for a bit, watching White Collar. I didn't even make myself a proper lunch. I just threw some tinned things together. It didn't last long - after a couple of hours I was back on my feet, running errands and I even went to see a movie by myself. I realised, and I have said a few times to mom, yes - I am going to be sad. Yes - my sister is going to be sad. There are going to be times when I crawl into the foetal position on my floor and wish my mom was with me to look after me when I'm sick, or just help me with all this housework. Even my mom still wishes her mom was with her when she is sick - I don't think we ever stop needing our moms. The sadness and the helplessness is inevitable. It is all part of leaving home and growing up.

However, there is also the positivity and the excitement that is all a part of growing up. I can't think of a better place to be lonely in than Cape Town. You honestly can't stay sad for more than a day in this city. It is way too beautiful and there is way too much to do. I've promised myself that whenever I'm feeling a little down, I will look at the mountain from my balcony and remind myself that there is so much to smile about.

Have you left home recently? Have you gone through a major change in the last couple of years? Are you in your late-twenties, having left home years ago? What challenges did you face? I'd love to hear.

P.S. If you haven't yet done so, check out my fitness and health blog here.