Life has become real for me while on this mini-holiday. I think many of us have been looking forward to 2013 as our first year of 'Freedom' but I now wonder how many of us have actually thought about the reality of the upcoming year.
I took a look at the Academy at which I want to study next year, and I had my interview, so to speak. It's a fantastic course and, I think, will prove to challenge me as a person which is the best part about it. But - and there is always a but - the area in which it is situated leaves little to be desired. It reminds me of a darker time in my life when the only fun and games came from the vivd imagination I had as a child. However, reflecting on such times, I have no urge or need to ever return, and this place makes me feel like I'm going back on myself and returning to such times. It is the only part of Cape Town I haven't fallen in love with: quite the opposite actually.
I had a bit of a panic attack, thinking that I didn't know where my life was heading anymore, and what I really wanted to do after school, and so my family, beautiful as always, consoled me. My mom voice-noted me from England and my dad took me to have a drink, along with my sister, at the V&A Waterfront to talk it out. After this, and much brooding that evening which led to a loss of sleep, I realised this: I can't change the place in which the Academy is situated and so all that I can do is change my attitude towards it. I can make my first year of my independent life as incredible as I want it to be, or I can come at it with a bad image, an even worse attitude and make it a living hell for myself. The course is going to challenge me, and that is what I crave: challenges in life. I don't have to base myself in that area. My parents are incredible and they will never make me do something that I don't want to do.
As well as the course, I think that next year, as a whole, is going to be a huge challenge for me. I'm going to have to do things I don't want to do, face issues on my own and stand on my own two feet. I do already, to some extent but next year it will be me, on my own, in a new city and no matter how much I think I have it all under control, I probably don't. I don't think the all-winning vision in my head of living on my own, and exploring my new home is everything it is going to be. I think there are going to be some very hard times and I'm going to feel very weak in every way.
I'm scared shitless, but I think I am as ready as I will ever be. All I know is that I don't want to shy away from the difficulties in life. My dad, having left school at 17 and started his own life of supporting himself at this age, is a very wise man and during our talk over drinks, he said something very inspirational. I told him I am scared, and he said, "use your fear as a weapon" and I will live by these words and do just that. I never want to "escape". I want to always be honest with myself, deal with the uncomfortable days and face life head on.
Life is not always going to be glamarous, and I think that, next year, I will quite often misplace the rose-coloured glasses I wear, but, knowing me, I will always dig out the best things about life and use those to get me through. It's going to be alright.
In other news, it is home tomorrow and I have much to post about: good food, good company, upcoming plans and the best thing of all: Fifty Shades of Grey.
Until then.
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